What a Difference a Day Makes

I didn't read for school over break. This week, I paid for such inactivity in an anxious-ridden way.

Right now, I'm about a day behind in Health Law and in Trusts and Estates. Because of that, the days in class were overwhelming. I sat through trusts today not grasping any of the concepts Professor Diab was saying. I came back home to reread the case we went over today and felt a bit better. How off track one becomes when they miss a mere few (or many) pages in her textbook! Its moments like the one I experienced this afternoon that make me grateful to have Fridays off. Catch-up days. Mental health days.

Its amazing how a seemingly simple episode like the one above can cause one's mind to whirl in a gajillion places. Familiar but unwanted places; for example, the places of my mind that worry I won't get a job for the summer (let alone after grad school!), that I will eventually fail a class or drop out (unless they kick me out), that I'll ultimately never feel satisfied with my career. When my mind starts wandering this way, I start comparing myself to other people and where they are in their lives (something I detest...something that our parents I suppose conditioned us to think about) and I end up feeling like I'm wasting time and energy for an empty future.

I hate the bleakness of that picture. But these are inevitable feelings that will always come to surface when I don't stay focused. I need to stop over-thinking and just doing. I worry that "just doing" could also mean becoming robotic, and if there's one thing I don't want to be its a sell-out.

I am so exhausted. I know I'll read this post over again to check for grammatical errors at some point (because I'm anal like that) and I'll find myself searching for coherence. I apologize. Time to start a new day.