Give yourself an Edge in the Market

Sepia Mutiny sometimes features columns by humorist Melvin Durai. I happened on the following while browsing his blog and it gave me a good laugh. Enjoy!
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These are tough economic times in America and elsewhere. If you're like me, you're saving money any way you can. I've cancelled my cable, invested in a good pair of binoculars and started watching my neighbor’s TV. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

In this harsh economic climate, it's important to have a job, any job. But finding a job isn't easy, especially since so many companies are giving their employees –- even the male ones –- pink slips. Competition for jobs is so intense that chess champ Vishwanathan Anand has been flooded with applications, all because someone wrote that he has “good openings.”

With all the competition, it's vital for job seekers to give themselves an edge. That's why I've decided to offer a few tips to help people stand out from the crowd. Some of these tips may seem obvious, but, trust me, they're often overlooked.

Tip #1: Learn to speak English. When the economy was strong, some folks were able to find decent jobs in America by knowing just three words of English: "Me want job." Others, realizing the importance of grammar, tried a little harder: "Me wants job."

These days, three words of English aren't enough to secure a job in any
part of America outside Miami. Job seekers must learn at least six words, particularly these six: "Would you like fries with that?"

They may seem like easy words, but some immigrants really struggle with them. A few have been fired from fast-food restaurants for repeatedly asking customers, "Would you like flies with that?"

The restaurants, as you can imagine, received many customer complaints, such as the one from a West Virginia man who threw his meal at the manager, shouting: “I thought I was getting flies with my burger, not fries."

Tip #2: Go easy on the tattoos and body piercing. Two or three are OK, but when your entire body is green, the only people you’re likely to impress are environmentalists. Well, perhaps a few others too, but they probably won’t offer you a job, unless one of them is a farmer and, with planting season coming around, needs another scarecrow.

(Yes, I know: some tattoos are works of art. In fact, Leonardo Da Vinci first tattooed the Mona Lisa on a friend's backside. Unfortunately nipple rings weren’t common in those days, so he couldn’t hang his friend in a gallery.)

Tip #3: Put your best foot forward at the job interview. This can be hard, especially if your feet look the same. Your friends can probably help you figure out which foot is better, but if you’re still unsure, consult a podiatrist.

Tip #4: Dress for success. Too many people, unfortunately, dress for failure. Don’t expect Chase Bank to hire you if you’re wearing a T-shirt that says “Go bonkers!” The least you can do is change the second ‘o’ to an ‘a.’

Tip #5: Groom yourself well. If you're a man, it's probably a good idea to trim your nails, mustache and any unruly locks of nose hair. If you're a woman, resist the temptation to dye your hair orange –- unless you’re applying for a job as a traffic cone.

Tip #6: Try to smell good. The most important thing you can do to smell good is take a bath, even if you’ve already taken one this year. You can practice water conservation AFTER the interview. A little perfume or cologne would also help, but don’t empty the bottle, unless you want to spend your day reviving the interviewer.

Tip #7: Do some research. Employers are impressed when you know something about them. You might want to find out, for example, what they do. Don't ask the manager of Cracker Barrel how heavy the barrels are. And don't ask the recruiter at Samsung what exactly it was that Sam sung.

Tip #8: Don't do drugs. Most employers test for drugs and if you fail the test, you won't get a second chance, unless you're in the National Football League. If you like to get high several times a week, apply for a job as a flight attendant. It's safer and it won't deplete your bank account. Just be careful how you greet the passengers: “Good morning! Hope you have a good fright!”

Jeepers Creepers jumpin Jeepers...It's Spring!!!

We own a collection of silly old cartoons (like 1930s old) on VHS and every once in a while, I'll remember a phrase from one of the little episodes in these cartoons. Hence, the post title.

Creepy, crawly things do come out during spring. After cleaning my room for four hours the other week, I felt comfortable that unwelcome visitors could not enter through any dusty crevices, gaps in the walls or open windows. I was wrong.

Two days ago, I was working at my desk on a draft for my independent study when I got up to stretch and saw a medium sized brown spider on my ceiling. I mean right smack in the MIDDLE of my room ceiling. Not wanting to panic, I did the usual five minute stare at the insect, simultaneously shocked and hopeful it would scurry off and disappear into whatever ceiling crack it came through. Naturally, it must have felt my eyes glued to it that it sat there frozen. Did I mention I am terrified of bugs?

I thought about what to do. It was 11am at that time, and extremely warm outside. After staring at it, I walked in and out of my room, peeked in a few times, and tried to decide whether or not I could kill it and how. So I went to the kitchen, grabbed a broom, brought it back and once again, stared. Sweating and standing several feet away, I started waving the brush end of the broom at the spider. He/She didn't flinch. I put the broom down and thought, "You know what, this spider isn't bugging me. I should just let it be and continue studying." So I did. For about 10 minutes.

My next weapon was the vacuum. Needless to say, that failed.

I sprayed Lysol at it, flailed my arms like an idiot around it, uttered threatening words at it like it would understand. Nothing worked.

Two hours later, I manned (womaned?) up and confronted the spider with the broom again. With a quivering hand, I slowly approached the body of it and whacked it within an inch of its life. When it hit the floor I kept whacking until I couldn't even determine if there was a spider on the floor. It blended into my stupid coffee-colored carpet!! The vacuum came in handy at that point...

Over the years I've become more sympathetic and less fearful of animals but I've never been able to warm up to insects. My roommate in my sophomore year of college was Jain, and no matter what bug appeared in our dorm room, she would never kill it. Instead, she picked it up and let it free into the wilderness (seriously, that is an accurate description of my college campus). Oh how I wish I had the courage. As much as I love the warmer weather, I can certainly do without the pests that love it too.